mills

My name is Mills Baker; I write about love, culture, art, religion, mental illness, philosophy, memory, politics and the rather random.

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Your search for bayou returned 35 posts.
GPOYW. My mother showed me an album with this photo of my father and me; in it, he looks more like me than in any other photo I’ve ever seen, and we thought it amazing. Examining it closely later while showing Abby the presence on the mantle of some preserved butterflies -which are now, 27 years later, at our ranch, where she saw them and where, since she was reading Ada, I noted Nabokov’s fondness for them- I noticed that the photo is reversed.
“Chicago” is written backwards on the Jurgen Peters print on the wall; that print, incidentally, now hangs on the wall to the left of where I sit writing this. My father’s watch is also on the wrong wrist. When the image is corrected, he looks more like himself. I suppose this means my face is the mirror-image of his, reversed in its symmetry.

Here I am on a bed at our old house: 901 Jefferson Avenue, New Orleans, LA. There was a stained-glass window in that house, a shotgun camelback in the classic Uptown style. In the background you can see a dresser, then used by my parents. It’s been mine for ten years or so. Once, in a rage, I threw one of its drawers into a window and slept with cold air pouring in that guilty night. My clothes are in it now.

My father and I are here walking in Daneel Park, on St. Charles Avenue, blocks from where my parents live now. On Saturday, I went on a run with a friend down the wide neutral ground to Audubon Park and back; while crossing the street here at Daneel Park with Bayou in tow, the car that approached after the gap in traffic was my mother’s; she drove past, to Langenstein’s grocery, without seeing us.

My mother picks me up in Bay St. Louis, Mississippi. I recently proposed to Sydney that I purchase some overalls and reintroduce them as a functional, comfortable form of attire for the American office laborer. This proposal has met with little enthusiasm, even after I altered it to specify that the overalls need not be blue, as above, but could perhaps be brown, as at the top.

GPOYW. My mother showed me an album with this photo of my father and me; in it, he looks more like me than in any other photo I’ve ever seen, and we thought it amazing. Examining it closely later while showing Abby the presence on the mantle of some preserved butterflies -which are now, 27 years later, at our ranch, where she saw them and where, since she was reading Ada, I noted Nabokov’s fondness for them- I noticed that the photo is reversed.

“Chicago” is written backwards on the Jurgen Peters print on the wall; that print, incidentally, now hangs on the wall to the left of where I sit writing this. My father’s watch is also on the wrong wrist. When the image is corrected, he looks more like himself. I suppose this means my face is the mirror-image of his, reversed in its symmetry.

Here I am on a bed at our old house: 901 Jefferson Avenue, New Orleans, LA. There was a stained-glass window in that house, a shotgun camelback in the classic Uptown style. In the background you can see a dresser, then used by my parents. It’s been mine for ten years or so. Once, in a rage, I threw one of its drawers into a window and slept with cold air pouring in that guilty night. My clothes are in it now.

My father and I are here walking in Daneel Park, on St. Charles Avenue, blocks from where my parents live now. On Saturday, I went on a run with a friend down the wide neutral ground to Audubon Park and back; while crossing the street here at Daneel Park with Bayou in tow, the car that approached after the gap in traffic was my mother’s; she drove past, to Langenstein’s grocery, without seeing us.

My mother picks me up in Bay St. Louis, Mississippi. I recently proposed to Sydney that I purchase some overalls and reintroduce them as a functional, comfortable form of attire for the American office laborer. This proposal has met with little enthusiasm, even after I altered it to specify that the overalls need not be blue, as above, but could perhaps be brown, as at the top.

“My dog barks some. Mentally you picture my dog, but I have not told you the type of dog which I have. Perhaps you even picture Toto, from The Wizard of Oz. But I warn you, my dog is always with me!”
And I will show you something different from either Your shadow at morning striding behind youOr your shadow at evening rising to meet you; I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
From this and that and Photophobia.

“My dog barks some. Mentally you picture my dog, but I have not told you the type of dog which I have. Perhaps you even picture Toto, from The Wizard of Oz. But I warn you, my dog is always with me!”

And I will show you something different from either 
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you; 
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.

From this and that and Photophobia.

Tags: bayou dog lynch
“Another good thing about living in New Orleans these days, according to some: it’s a great refuge from the recession. The gyrations of the Dow, the collapse of General Motors, the prospect of regulating credit default swaps – even the collapse of the housing markets – mean little to most New Orleanians. The city operates at such a low level of economic activity that it never really prospers in good times or suffers in bad.”

The Way of the Bayou in the NYT, from my parents. Many are fond of attributing to their cultures -those of their cities, states, regions- the characteristics of their personalities, and I’m sure Stephen Pinker would reject it all out of hand, but: this article explains a significant portion of my worldview. It also explains why, despite its diminishing fortunes, New Orleans will always be an important city: it is the largest American city in which the war against “dollar and clock” has been won.

“New Orleanians have been guardians of tradition and masters of living in the moment — a lost art. Their preference for having more time than money was at the heart of what made that city so much fun to visit and so hard to leave.”

Long live the anti-revolution; long live the moment!

GPOYW: After I took this probably better photo, I took one with me and Five and Bayou -who is too blurred to detect clearly here- as well. I like to remember that they generally accompany me on these nighttime excursions, like incompetent and exuberant photographer’s assistants.

GPOYW: After I took this probably better photo, I took one with me and Five and Bayou -who is too blurred to detect clearly here- as well. I like to remember that they generally accompany me on these nighttime excursions, like incompetent and exuberant photographer’s assistants.

Tags: gpoyw
The tree under which my grandfather’s ashes are scattered.
Every trip to the ranch has its theme, probably because everything there resonates in me. Some trips seem merely diverting and some seem momentous, laden with epiphanies and euphoria, but always after I return to the city everything settles back into its ordinary place. Our breathless realizations have little effect on us, whatever their initial revolutionary luster. Nothing disturbs the habits of our selves.
Will, John, Spencer, Andy, and I were accompanied by my dogs, some deer, and a ludicrous number of pigs; they’re taking over the forests and pastures. The full photoset is here, and below are some excerpts:

Will in the pasture late at night, shining for animals. I did a lot of moonlight shooting; most of it I screwed up.

I am fonder of clouds than I was now that I have a use for them.

In the ruins of the shack my great-grandfather used to stay in I found checks from 1931 which he signed (his name was Roger Mills Thomas), an old Christmas card, various oddities, and this newspaper from the day Oswald was shot (lower part of page here).

John seemed to think that long exposure ghosting was a superpower, as though his translucency in the shot gave him translucency in real life; he referred to this as “the Predator effect.”

Around the fire (which was partly made through Darwin-Award-courting heroism).

Spencer and his “king size” guitar behind the house.
I don’t want to disappoint Kevin, so here is Bayou after another ineffectual effort at getting an armadillo and here is Five in the same state; it’s nice to let them go crazy without fear they’ll harm anything. Toward the end of the set both dogs demonstrate their relative climbing prowess, and Will his firefighter guts.

The tree under which my grandfather’s ashes are scattered.

Every trip to the ranch has its theme, probably because everything there resonates in me. Some trips seem merely diverting and some seem momentous, laden with epiphanies and euphoria, but always after I return to the city everything settles back into its ordinary place. Our breathless realizations have little effect on us, whatever their initial revolutionary luster. Nothing disturbs the habits of our selves.

Will, John, SpencerAndy, and I were accompanied by my dogs, some deer, and a ludicrous number of pigs; they’re taking over the forests and pastures. The full photoset is here, and below are some excerpts:

Will in the pasture late at night, shining for animals. I did a lot of moonlight shooting; most of it I screwed up.

I am fonder of clouds than I was now that I have a use for them.

In the ruins of the shack my great-grandfather used to stay in I found checks from 1931 which he signed (his name was Roger Mills Thomas), an old Christmas card, various oddities, and this newspaper from the day Oswald was shot (lower part of page here).

John seemed to think that long exposure ghosting was a superpower, as though his translucency in the shot gave him translucency in real life; he referred to this as “the Predator effect.”

Around the fire (which was partly made through Darwin-Award-courting heroism).

Spencer and his “king size” guitar behind the house.

I don’t want to disappoint Kevin, so here is Bayou after another ineffectual effort at getting an armadillo and here is Five in the same state; it’s nice to let them go crazy without fear they’ll harm anything. Toward the end of the set both dogs demonstrate their relative climbing prowess, and Will his firefighter guts.

GPOYW. I and the windows behind me are reflected in Bayou’s eye while I take her picture; one can see her legs and body roughly as she does, splayed out before her (cropped from this).

GPOYW. I and the windows behind me are reflected in Bayou’s eye while I take her picture; one can see her legs and body roughly as she does, splayed out before her (cropped from this).

Tags: gpoyw
We went to Spencer’s farm this weekend; we made fires, wore odd hats, threw exploding footballs, drove ATVs badly, shot wildly, and so on. I spent a lot of time trying to take photographs in the bright moonlight. None are particularly good, but I’m happy with them (and I’m learning). Above, Bayou and I sit around before dinner. Below, more:

At the fire on the river (and all of us are here).

Electric fence and stars.

Naturally, Five came along (and they both ate steaks).

After I uploaded these to Flickr, Chad said he liked these colors; he’s a damn good photographer, so here are some homes in Osyka, MS.
There are quite a few others in the photoset.

We went to Spencer’s farm this weekend; we made fires, wore odd hats, threw exploding footballs, drove ATVs badly, shot wildly, and so on. I spent a lot of time trying to take photographs in the bright moonlight. None are particularly good, but I’m happy with them (and I’m learning). Above, Bayou and I sit around before dinner. Below, more:

At the fire on the river (and all of us are here).

Electric fence and stars.

Naturally, Five came along (and they both ate steaks).

After I uploaded these to Flickr, Chad said he liked these colors; he’s a damn good photographer, so here are some homes in Osyka, MS.

There are quite a few others in the photoset.

GPOYW.
A nurse who was fascinated by my ears told me that the steroid shot I was unnecessarily given (but appreciated) would make it hard for me to sleep; that’s unlikely, as I’m already sleepy enough that the only thing keeping me awake is the dripping noise coming from inside my cavernous respiratory system. Being sickly, I’ve imagined an elaborate world inside my sinuses: like a ruined Gothic cathedral, supporting buttresses made indistinguishable from stalagmites by centuries of flow and accumulation.
But being sick has its compensations: Bayou, books, and the otherwise alien idea that I am being productive by sleeping, lazy rest transformed by armchair medical theorizing into some sort of immunological exercise. Feel the burn.

GPOYW.

A nurse who was fascinated by my ears told me that the steroid shot I was unnecessarily given (but appreciated) would make it hard for me to sleep; that’s unlikely, as I’m already sleepy enough that the only thing keeping me awake is the dripping noise coming from inside my cavernous respiratory system. Being sickly, I’ve imagined an elaborate world inside my sinuses: like a ruined Gothic cathedral, supporting buttresses made indistinguishable from stalagmites by centuries of flow and accumulation.

But being sick has its compensations: Bayou, books, and the otherwise alien idea that I am being productive by sleeping, lazy rest transformed by armchair medical theorizing into some sort of immunological exercise. Feel the burn.

Tags: gpoyw

Love & Dogs

My first requested over-long essay; here it is, TWIB. It surely reads too much into the subject, but I defend myself with Kafka’s assertion: “All knowledge, the totality of all questions and all answers, is contained in the dog.”

As a child, I didn’t use to know if I loved anyone. I wondered whether it was possible that I had simply assigned to the extremity of fondness I felt a name which it didn’t deserve; I have always been neurotic about such things (we perhaps expect too much of love).

It is a human concern, whether some devotion or adoration rises to the level of love; so too are concerns about love’s details, dimensions, and duration. They are human because they are linguistic and self-reflective; they involve the conscious mind, a spatiotemporal metaphor-machine which came into existence perhaps ten or twenty thousand years ago, not more.

It is at that approximate time that dogs and humans became intertwined, our domestication of them morphologically splintering them from their lupine forbears and their devotion to us perhaps helping to engender the moral decency Herbert Spencer referred to when he wrote that the “behavior of men to the lower animals and their behavior to each other bear a constant relationship.” (He was not alone in thinking that our relations with animals are a barometer of our morality).

The relationship between dog and human is peerless. Malcolm Gladwell noted some expressions of the inter-species connection from researchers who have found that absolutely alone among animals, dogs instinctively believe that humans will help them accomplish tasks. They are hyper-attentive to us, more than we are to ourselves; they register minute differences in posture, breathing, pupil dilation, and tone. They are more trusting of us, more drawn to us, than primates are, even Chimpanzees.

Recent scholarship suggests that this is the result of evolutionary development. After so many millennia of shared existence, dogs now come into the world looking for us; they seek us out and, finding us, have no wish to part. Their integration into human life has structured the formation of their mental world: they are now an animal which exists for another as well as for itself.

But does it abuse the language to say that they love us or that we love them? And if it does not, how do we relate this love to other forms of love?

One easy hierarchy of affections is proposed by Roger Scruton, whom I quoted some months ago; discussing pets, he writes that

“…[We] pour out on them the pent-up store of fellow-feeling, without fear of reproach. At the same time, we are acutely aware of their moral incompetence. Their affection, if it can be won at all, is easily won, and based on nothing… It implies no moral approval and leaves the character of its object unassessed and unendorsed.”

Though this is exaggerated (as there are some men even dogs dislike), it gives us a division: the “easily won…based on nothing” affection of an animal and the affection of humans, which carries with it “moral approval,” assessment, and endorsement. Although I found this idea striking when I first read it, something about it now seems presumptive, even absurd: Scruton’s vision of human love is precisely what is least appealing about it!

Milan Kundera once observed that if his wife said she loved him because he was handsome, intelligent, or charming, it meant very little: everyone loves those qualities, and they are only part of one’s character! But when she said that she loved him despite his ugliness, stupidity, or boorishness, it meant a great deal. Love based on attributes is contingent and common; love in the face of foibles is precious.

What Scruton suggests is superior is debatably so: it is a process of assessment; assessment is judgment. It is therefore a process in which one ignorant human, with pitifully partial knowledge of the deeds, experiences, thoughts, and feelings of another, judges him morally and either endorses him or rejects him, and that judgment will be based on shared, common, social norms: it will be replicable.

We recognize that such love is of dubious value. None of us will long survive the moral interrogation of a judge! In our depths and our darkness, humans are complexly ambiguous. Thus real love is understood to be a commitment -an act, a pact, a planned, willed, decisive choice- rather than the result of feeling or “moral approval.” Indeed, it is for this reason that we have other avenues for the moral approval we cannot give each other, most notably religion. Most religions in some way address the innate human sense of moral corruption, whether by contextualizing it as natural or something to be overcome or by asserting that it is forgiven by an act of a godly love.

This is felt to be a very profound sort of love: it is willfully blind to social judgments, to legal infractions, to filthiness and failure. It loves the soul, so to speak, and the soul is not one’s doings, one’s speech, or even one’s self; it is not the personality, the psyche, or the subconscious; it is the inimitable, unique essence of an individual beneath even his or her heart.

Of course, such a love does not recognize the parts of us we care most about: the sense of humor, the quickness with a kind word, the charity, the wounded self. Indeed, if we are all equally gifted this superhuman (or subhuman) love, what is it worth? We want to be loved both deeply and for who we are, even as that latter element is a changing and illusory quantity. We want to be loved both for the soul and for the self.

But we do not derogate this high form of love because it ignores the self. It is “extraordinary…so close…yet so remote,” as Thomas Mann said of dogs; it is a blind commitment to all humans, but we treasure it.

It may be objected that unlike the purported love of a god or a deeply affectionate relative, the blindness of a dog’s devotion is worth little because it reflects a calculus of natural selection, an evolutionary imperative. The same could be said of a mother’s love for her child, which has neither selfhood nor character and is no less loved for it. We tend to slight that which we perceive as “naturally-ordained” or automatic, as opposed to “consciously-willed.” But we are evolved creatures too, and those are impossible distinctions to clearly make.

My dogs are devoted to me and I am devoted to them, not in a way that leads me to cook for them but in a way that leads me to consider them of the utmost moral value. Indeed: for every story of a dog dying for its master there is a story of a master unwilling to part with his or her dog. A professor told me of one of his graduate students whose labrador had disappeared into the currents of the Mississippi at a treacherous point; the student dove in after the dog, and both drowned. Some people I share this with find it sad, and others ludicrous.

Perhaps devotion and love aren’t the same, but given that love as a feeling is less important than love as a willed decision, we might justly regard devotion as love’s deepest manifestation. And since we are all partly acting out our biological imperatives, we might argue that the presence of “intentionality” and “comprehension” in our affections is overemphasized.

These, too, are wasteful, idle, human questions. What is beyond them is the curious and felicitous relationship we have with this other species, which Maeterlinck described:

“We are alone, absolutely alone, on this chance planet; and amid all the forms of life that surround us, not one, excepting the dog, has made an alliance with us.”

However we describe this alliance, we are as fortunate to have it as the dog is, perhaps more so: in it we can see a paradigmatic instance of non-judgmental devotion, which I maintain is not less significant for being unconscious. It is not surprising that even atheists must refer to Eden to describe dogs and their effect on us: there is something very sublime in canine affection, whatever its origin.

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

billydalto:

Mirando - Ratatat

This track was unanimously voted the song of the evening in Ills Manor, where Mills and I are beginning another insane Saturday night. As usual, Bayou and Five were underwhelmed by the music selection but unwilling to offer any suggestions.

Will found this; I like it.

Tags: music
Bayou will run on playground equipment; she will go more or less wherever I point and say, “Bayou, go see.” She will run up walls; she sit in precariously balanced inner-tube with me on a river.
Five gets all the attention because he seeks it; Bayou resists attention, except from those she’s known for some time. They are both rescued strays, but her street life was brutally traumatic; when she came home, she was nearly hairless, bruised, with scabies and mange and an animating fear of any human contact.
I do not exaggerate the intelligence or personality of dogs; they are what they are, which is more than enough and how I love them (not as less difficult four-legged people). But anthropomorphizing is natural, and when I see Bayou anxiously peering out of the windows from her chair -which only she uses- I wonder what she remains vigilant against (picture below):

But maybe she is just looking for cats.

Bayou will run on playground equipment; she will go more or less wherever I point and say, “Bayou, go see.” She will run up walls; she sit in precariously balanced inner-tube with me on a river.

Five gets all the attention because he seeks it; Bayou resists attention, except from those she’s known for some time. They are both rescued strays, but her street life was brutally traumatic; when she came home, she was nearly hairless, bruised, with scabies and mange and an animating fear of any human contact.

I do not exaggerate the intelligence or personality of dogs; they are what they are, which is more than enough and how I love them (not as less difficult four-legged people). But anthropomorphizing is natural, and when I see Bayou anxiously peering out of the windows from her chair -which only she uses- I wonder what she remains vigilant against (picture below):

But maybe she is just looking for cats.

Tags: dogs
The justly-venerated Magic Molly noted that “If you have a good relationship with your parents, you grow up with the idea that love is very simple.” I agree that it is from your parents that you learn the most about love, but would add there are other paradigmatic templates in our lives; to varying degrees, we learn about the dynamics and means and ends of relationships from our peers, our cultures, and the art which we interiorize.
In my case, I might have learned a great deal about love from my two dogs, shown above. I don’t think it exaggerates the case to say that the photos linked below document a routine with which every ex of mine is unhappily familiar, and indeed probably most female friends:

For no reason but Five’s innate and moronic giddiness, he initiates a form of teasing play that Bayou finds grating: not actually engaging, but impossible to just ignore. Such a guy!
Five thinks everything is going well because he is having fun, not realizing that his annoying provocation will not go unpunished.
Bayou, aware that Five is at his core weak and easily frightened, displays her steely, merciless mettle (my sort of girl).
Five, recognizing too late that the game isn’t fun anymore, bolts like hell to get away with a confused and frightened look on his face.

Perhaps I haven’t learned from them but rather they from me. In that case, I feel bad for Five and worse for Bayou for introducing into her serene life this rambunctious twirp who takes after me.

The justly-venerated Magic Molly noted that “If you have a good relationship with your parents, you grow up with the idea that love is very simple.” I agree that it is from your parents that you learn the most about love, but would add there are other paradigmatic templates in our lives; to varying degrees, we learn about the dynamics and means and ends of relationships from our peers, our cultures, and the art which we interiorize.

In my case, I might have learned a great deal about love from my two dogs, shown above. I don’t think it exaggerates the case to say that the photos linked below document a routine with which every ex of mine is unhappily familiar, and indeed probably most female friends:

  1. For no reason but Five’s innate and moronic giddiness, he initiates a form of teasing play that Bayou finds grating: not actually engaging, but impossible to just ignore. Such a guy!
  2. Five thinks everything is going well because he is having fun, not realizing that his annoying provocation will not go unpunished.
  3. Bayou, aware that Five is at his core weak and easily frightened, displays her steely, merciless mettle (my sort of girl).
  4. Five, recognizing too late that the game isn’t fun anymore, bolts like hell to get away with a confused and frightened look on his face.

Perhaps I haven’t learned from them but rather they from me. In that case, I feel bad for Five and worse for Bayou for introducing into her serene life this rambunctious twirp who takes after me.

Tags: dogs
Many people in Louisiana have posted about the snow, from Minuswell to Erin to DHK to Sydney (who has her own photoset), because it’s absolutely real, not the usual pitiful flurries we see once or twice a decade, but a nice, full, soft snowfall that permits snowmen and some silly sledding and so on.
Above are my dogs with me in our front yard, and here is my photoset of them with me and Will on a tour of the Garden District / City Part / Lakes area, which concluded with a nice visit at my doppelganger’s place.
Five and Bayou loved every second of it.

Many people in Louisiana have posted about the snow, from Minuswell to Erin to DHK to Sydney (who has her own photoset), because it’s absolutely real, not the usual pitiful flurries we see once or twice a decade, but a nice, full, soft snowfall that permits snowmen and some silly sledding and so on.

Above are my dogs with me in our front yard, and here is my photoset of them with me and Will on a tour of the Garden District / City Part / Lakes area, which concluded with a nice visit at my doppelganger’s place.

Five and Bayou loved every second of it.

Tags: dogs
Bayou, yawning; she and Five stayed with Frank while we were in New Orleans this weekend.

Bayou, yawning; she and Five stayed with Frank while we were in New Orleans this weekend.

Tags: dogs
I’ve posted yet another photoset from the ranch, where I’ve been with Q (Syd’s husband), John, Andy, and Lucas. There are few pictures, and none are particularly interesting, because this was far and away the most purely redneck trip we’ve made, and whipping out the camera while people are shooting plants, getting vehicles stuck, and jumping off of the bluffs at midnight into black water just didn’t seem right.
Warning: I made a questionable ethical decision, as well. My dogs are getting old; Bayou is eight and Five is nine. In accordance with their instincts, they’ve attempted to kill many animals through the years, and in accordance with my ethics (or, if you prefer, my wussiness) I’ve not let them.
On this trip, however, I decided to finally let them do as they wished: I let them kill an armadillo. Depending on your sensibilities, and probably your birthplace, this will either seem loathsome or inconsequential. I regretted it as it happened, and afterward; I’ve thought about it far too much, in fact, and can only say that while I’m glad they had their animalistic fill, it won’t happen again.
In any event, there are some rather gruesome photos of the incident in the set, so if you -like me- don’t wish to see them, this is your warning. My thanks to Q for ending the poor creature’s suffering when it became clear that a quick kill wasn’t likely.

I’ve posted yet another photoset from the ranch, where I’ve been with Q (Syd’s husband), John, Andy, and Lucas. There are few pictures, and none are particularly interesting, because this was far and away the most purely redneck trip we’ve made, and whipping out the camera while people are shooting plants, getting vehicles stuck, and jumping off of the bluffs at midnight into black water just didn’t seem right.

Warning: I made a questionable ethical decision, as well. My dogs are getting old; Bayou is eight and Five is nine. In accordance with their instincts, they’ve attempted to kill many animals through the years, and in accordance with my ethics (or, if you prefer, my wussiness) I’ve not let them.

On this trip, however, I decided to finally let them do as they wished: I let them kill an armadillo. Depending on your sensibilities, and probably your birthplace, this will either seem loathsome or inconsequential. I regretted it as it happened, and afterward; I’ve thought about it far too much, in fact, and can only say that while I’m glad they had their animalistic fill, it won’t happen again.

In any event, there are some rather gruesome photos of the incident in the set, so if you -like me- don’t wish to see them, this is your warning. My thanks to Q for ending the poor creature’s suffering when it became clear that a quick kill wasn’t likely.

Tags: ranch